Monday, August 27, 2012

Chapter Twentythree.

Tired of the cliché that is 'Don't walk towards the light' you decide to do just that. As the music gets stronger you can distinguish a few words of what has the feel of a negro spiritual of old. For some reason you get nostalgic, like a distant memory from your childhood is trying to reach the surface but falls a few steps short and sees your conscious thought leave them behind, laughing like a crazy feller.
'Rump-a Lump-a skippedi deen
we'll find a diamond fit for a queen
Rump-a Lump-A doobedy dome
and maybe she will let us home'

At the end of the tunnel there is an old corroded copper grate and on the other side you see a huge room, cut out of the rocks. Along every wall you see people. At least you think they are people, only a quarter the size of a normal big fat American dude, and wearing nothing but silly T-shirts. You can make out some of the texts.
'I'm with stoopid','My other shirt is 100% cotton' and 'I wish I could afford pants'
In your excitement over seeing all these tiny rumps you lean a bit too far against the grate and with a lod crack it gives way and falls to the floor with you soon after. On the floor you find a loose thread, just lying there. You decide to leave it be.
The song has suddenly fallen silentand you see why when you lift your head.
Towards you walks 40-50 pantsless midgets, tiny wieners flailing. They look very cautious and nervous. One of the midgets, wearing a 'Rumpa Lumpa Foreman' T-shirt and actually short shorts are the one that dares come closest.
You think to yourself. 'In the land of the pantsless, the guy wearing shorts makes the shots'
And he clears his throat....

Friday, August 24, 2012

Chapter Twentytwo.

Connery leans forward, blood ripping from his mouth and chest. He reaches in his coat and pulls out a black leather glove and a red orchid. He pulls the glove over my hand and places the orchid delicately in my shirt pocket.

'For my lovechild, Laquisha,' he slurs. 'Find her before Norris!'.

With that, he shoves the at the controls of the seadoo as he jumps off to take on Norris' goons in a suicidal attempt to buy me some getaway time. He lunged into the boat with Norris and kicked off his motor which sank. I roar off, looking back only to witness Norris decapitate Connery with a karate chop to his neck. Things are getting outta hand.

I cut the engines and glide quietly to a small island in the middle of a larger lake the bayou drains into. Not a soul for miles. I park the seadoo and set up a tent. No fire, as I don't want to attract attention. I examine the orchid when I hear Norris and his men sail by the island. Several bright floodlights sweeping everywhere, searching. They scan for minutes. I remain still, close my eyes.

'He's not here, boss!' calls out a voice. 'Continue the search of the other islands and the shores!' barks Norris. I breathe a sigh of relief as I hear them sail off. I stand, and begin to look around the island. Its quite small, roughly the size of a hockey rink. I start looking for anything that might be useful. I reach the other side and notice that the ground seems quite solid for wet grass and mud. I jump on it and feel a thud. After pushing some muck aside, I see what appears to be wooden planks. I grab a small log and begin hitting the wooden floor. On my sixth strike, the planks give way and I fall down some old shaft.

I'm able to break my fall by rolling as I hit the ground. I stand up and light a match. The cavern is enormous with ancient native paintings on the walls. And trolley track. Its an old diamond mine! I follow the tracks, finding and lighting a torch along the way. I see a faint light in the darkness of the tunnel.
And begin to hear... music!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Chapter Twentyone.

'I am not who you may think I am' the man who looks a lot like Sean Connery whisper's.
'Sean Connery?' you ask while you, in disbelief, rub your eyes with clenched fists.
'I am EXACTLY who you think I am' the slapper of all slappers corrects himself. With his leathery palms he brings forth a pipe and tobacco from his back pocket. When the pipe is prepared he takes what looks like a small hamster, draws it quickly along his battle jeans to ignite its head and lights the pipe.
For a few second the both of you just sits in silence while he puffs away on his pipe. The air fills with the smell of newly baked navel lint bread... and bacon.
'You where lucky I got to you in time, young padawan'

In the distance you can hear the roars of Chuck Norris's goons as they desperatly search for you. Mr.Connery continues - 'We can not have you square off with Mr.Norris just quite yet young padawan, you must first learn the way of the slapper!'
This Perplexes you... isn't women the target of the slapper of all slappers slaps? Not THE Chuck Norris!
'I know what you wonder, young padawad, and yes... she is actually a drag king... she has not gone by her real name Jaqueline No'reese in a long time'


Sean Connery stumbles forward, holding his chest. He has been hit by a harpoon! they have found you!