Thursday, January 28, 2010

Chapter Twenty.

Withering in agony, I struggle to open my eyes as they adjust to the harsh brightness of the cabin. My pupils dart back and forth around the room to locate the source of the voice as well as the cushiony goodness.

'Behind you.' says the voice.

Staggering, I manage to pull myself up and straighten my damp clothes. I turn around and see the back of a grand chair facing a roaring fireplace. A faint trail of cigarette smoke emanating from the other side of the chair. Tired of being kept in the dark throughout my journey (both figuratively and literally), I storm towards the seat and its mysterious occupant. 'Look, I don't take too kindly to being bashed in the grapefruits.' I growl as I grab the back of the chair and swing it around.

My jaw fell open. Chuck Norris!

'Expecting someone else?' he asks as he flicks his cigarette into the fire.

Speechless, I glance down at his hands as he rises out of the chair and approaches me. He's holding a copy of the ancient text I was told to find. I stumble backwards, tripping over a night table and accidentally knock over a lantern which quickly ignites the carpet and begins to quickly spread throughout the cabin. 'Looking for this?' he says as he holds up the book. 'How about this, then?' he holds up a blue orchid.

'Listen to me.' I begin. 'I only came here to see an old woman-' 'You mean her?' he cuts me off and points to a nearby room closet. Blood pooling from under the door crack. 'You see Mr.Kingsbury, you've been going on for quite some time about being "awesome". Quite frankly, I cannot permit you to continue with this nonsense. This book and orchid holds the key to truly understand how to overpower me.' I watch in horror as he tosses both items into the fire.

'Oh, yes, I know all about your little trip here. The zamboni, the Dane, the squirrels, everything. Who do you think conveniently left a truck for you? A zamboni? The potato head. They all work for me. It was I who trained that squad of ninja hamsters to clear out this town 2 years ago in preparation for your arrival. It's amazing what animal Russian ex-cons will do for a simple Etch-a-sketch.' A slick, Texas Ranger grin grows along his face. Trembling, I bolt for the door knowing full well no man can take on a fully charged Chuck Norris.

'You can't escape, Mr.Kingsbury! I own this town! I own this fucking country! Nobody will believe you!' he bellows from beyond the flaming cabin. I run off the dock and dive into the bayou. The cool water brings me back to my senses. I swim for as long as I can. I surface a good 20 minutes later and see several boats beside the flaming cabin. I make out Norris and his renegade rangers pointing in my direction. It's then that I notice that I'm inadvertently leaving a trail of algea as I swim, leading them straight back to me. 'Shit!' I think.

In full panic mode, I go as fast as I can towards the darkened shore a mile away. I grow tired... muscles ache... can't breathe no more... fainting... I begin to slip deeper beneath the waves... I hear the voices of Norris' goons and their boats in the distance. I slip under the water for what seems to be the last time. Then a hand comes crushing through the surface, grabs my weak hand, and pulls me onto a seadoo.

'Stay quiet and do exactly as I say.' orders the stranger. He punches the engine and the craft roars to life. We floor it across the lake to the other side of the bayou, far from Norris. In the blue glow of the illuminated display, I make out a face.

Sean Connery.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Chapter Nineteen.

You feel something crawling up your right leg and you welcome the sensation, just hoping it will be gentle when it reaches higher grounds. To your disappointment the crawling stops and fades away like a distant memory. Your eyes tries to get used to the darkness but somehow they do not manage to do that.
'Don't try to see where you are, my spells have made it impossible to actually see anything in here.'
Unable to see, you decide to use your other senses and swing your hands in front of you and in true anime fashion you grab on to the two big cushiony thingies in front of you.
'Please don't do that' the voice disgruntedly murmurs, as you feel a steel capped boot redecorating your family jewels.
In true pain you fall to the floor, hitting your knees on something spiky and landing forehead first into something that does not feel completely different from moose porridge.
'I understand now that you are no friend of darkness.'
With a loud POOF the inside of the cabin lights up like a dirty old store santa the weeks before christmas...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Chapter Eighteen.

I watch with great intensity as the ninja hamster scribbles away. He then shows me the Etch-a-sketch, which now shows map directions to the old woman's house by the bayou. Apparently this little bugger had taken an oath of silence and has to resort to other means of communication. When I asked him why he murdered his comrade, he quickly draws me a picture of a camel being pounded in the ass with a banana by Goofy on a sailboat.

Anyways... I take the map and proceed down to the bayou. And just as was explained to me, there it was. A small log cabin in the bayou. In the middle of the bayou. So now I need a boat. After searching along the shore line I come across and empty unchained canoe. I jump in an start paddling towards the cabin. As I get closer to the cabin, it becomes clear to me why the canoe was unchained on the shore; there are several tears under the seams causing it to sink. I try not to panic despite going down faster than MJ on a 10 year-old. I paddle faster, but it becomes obvious that I'm going to sink before I reach the cabin.

I swim out into the dark green, murky bayou and the canoe silently slips beneath the surface. I reach the cabin and climb up the posts and onto the dock. Then I realize that I left the goddamn Etch-a-sketch on the canoe. Add to that, the shore is far too long for me to swim back. I'm stranded. Frustrated, I knock on the cabin door. No reply. I knock harder. Still all quiet. I raise my foot to kick it in, only to have the door swing open by itself. I walk into the darkness of the cabin. The door of course closes behind me.

'I've been expecting you.' whispers a voice.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Chapter Seventeen.

Since Russian Hamster Ninjas are sworn to silence and deadliness, they start charading their inquiry. Tip toeing on their little ninja feet, flailing wildly with their katanas and throwing shurikens into the air among other erratic and stupendous movements and poses.

When they are done they all completely halt and look at you. One Russian Ninja Hamster falls to the ground, then another and then a third... until there are only two Russian Ninja Hamsters left standing. It turns out the flailing of katanas and throwing of shurikens was not a very well thought out plan since it ended in almost total Russian Ninja Hamster extinction.

The tubbier of the two hamsters walks up to you and whispers into your ear.
- Hermionemma is waiting for you... you must prepare yourself. And we can help you. Watch out for the old lady by the bayou, bring the texts to us and we will...

The rest of the tubby Russian Hamster Ninja's words is muffled by the blood that he drools into your ear. You notice the meat-cleaver lodged into the neck of the Russian Hamster Ninja, and the Russian Hamster Ninja behind it (which is taller, and have the same pattern as a milk cow) shuts an imaginary zipper over his two kind of slanted front teeth while looking rather menacing.

He then takes out an Etch-a-Sketch and starts drawing something...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Chapter Sixteen.

Ignoring the radio, I pop in an ABBA cd I found on the floor of the truck. While jamming, the fox informs me that he needs to be dropped off by the abandoned-looking post office. By the looks of it, the place has been empty for quite some time. The most recent newspaper I see on the sidewalk dates 2 years ago.

Without uttering another word, the fox dashes off into the building. I follow down the main street and park the truck in front of a St.Hubert restaurant. Oddly enough... the coleslaw is still good. After rummaging through the kitchen, I run into a fully sentient Mr.Potato Head. He's badly malnourished and slightly insane. Clearly whatever has happened in this town took a real toll on him. In-between his hysterical ramblings, he mentions an ancient text and something about needing to find a blue orchid. When I tell him that I just don't understand him, he exclaims 'Tabernack!' and throws himself into the nearby deep fryer.

Perplexed, I leave the restaurant and make my way down the street. All of the sudden I feel extremely drowsy and begin losing my balance and orientation. I fall to the ground out cold. That's when I realize that the skittles the Dane gave me were laced with a date rape drug! When I open my eyes, the harry potter girl is sitting beside me. I immediately tear off my pants and lunge at her, but she stops me, saying that she is just a figment of my imagination and that I'm still unconscious.

Still ignoring her, I pin her to the ground. That's when she utters a spell which freezes me so I have little choice but to listen. She tells me that there is and old woman living by the bayou who has a text I must locate. She tries telling me something else, but then I'm awakened by a bucket of ice water splashing on me. When I sit up, I'm surrounded by a group of Russian hamster ninjas holding my gun and car keys.

They have questions...