Monday, August 27, 2012

Chapter Twentythree.

Tired of the cliché that is 'Don't walk towards the light' you decide to do just that. As the music gets stronger you can distinguish a few words of what has the feel of a negro spiritual of old. For some reason you get nostalgic, like a distant memory from your childhood is trying to reach the surface but falls a few steps short and sees your conscious thought leave them behind, laughing like a crazy feller.
'Rump-a Lump-a skippedi deen
we'll find a diamond fit for a queen
Rump-a Lump-A doobedy dome
and maybe she will let us home'

At the end of the tunnel there is an old corroded copper grate and on the other side you see a huge room, cut out of the rocks. Along every wall you see people. At least you think they are people, only a quarter the size of a normal big fat American dude, and wearing nothing but silly T-shirts. You can make out some of the texts.
'I'm with stoopid','My other shirt is 100% cotton' and 'I wish I could afford pants'
In your excitement over seeing all these tiny rumps you lean a bit too far against the grate and with a lod crack it gives way and falls to the floor with you soon after. On the floor you find a loose thread, just lying there. You decide to leave it be.
The song has suddenly fallen silentand you see why when you lift your head.
Towards you walks 40-50 pantsless midgets, tiny wieners flailing. They look very cautious and nervous. One of the midgets, wearing a 'Rumpa Lumpa Foreman' T-shirt and actually short shorts are the one that dares come closest.
You think to yourself. 'In the land of the pantsless, the guy wearing shorts makes the shots'
And he clears his throat....

Friday, August 24, 2012

Chapter Twentytwo.

Connery leans forward, blood ripping from his mouth and chest. He reaches in his coat and pulls out a black leather glove and a red orchid. He pulls the glove over my hand and places the orchid delicately in my shirt pocket.

'For my lovechild, Laquisha,' he slurs. 'Find her before Norris!'.

With that, he shoves the at the controls of the seadoo as he jumps off to take on Norris' goons in a suicidal attempt to buy me some getaway time. He lunged into the boat with Norris and kicked off his motor which sank. I roar off, looking back only to witness Norris decapitate Connery with a karate chop to his neck. Things are getting outta hand.

I cut the engines and glide quietly to a small island in the middle of a larger lake the bayou drains into. Not a soul for miles. I park the seadoo and set up a tent. No fire, as I don't want to attract attention. I examine the orchid when I hear Norris and his men sail by the island. Several bright floodlights sweeping everywhere, searching. They scan for minutes. I remain still, close my eyes.

'He's not here, boss!' calls out a voice. 'Continue the search of the other islands and the shores!' barks Norris. I breathe a sigh of relief as I hear them sail off. I stand, and begin to look around the island. Its quite small, roughly the size of a hockey rink. I start looking for anything that might be useful. I reach the other side and notice that the ground seems quite solid for wet grass and mud. I jump on it and feel a thud. After pushing some muck aside, I see what appears to be wooden planks. I grab a small log and begin hitting the wooden floor. On my sixth strike, the planks give way and I fall down some old shaft.

I'm able to break my fall by rolling as I hit the ground. I stand up and light a match. The cavern is enormous with ancient native paintings on the walls. And trolley track. Its an old diamond mine! I follow the tracks, finding and lighting a torch along the way. I see a faint light in the darkness of the tunnel.
And begin to hear... music!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Chapter Twentyone.

'I am not who you may think I am' the man who looks a lot like Sean Connery whisper's.
'Sean Connery?' you ask while you, in disbelief, rub your eyes with clenched fists.
'I am EXACTLY who you think I am' the slapper of all slappers corrects himself. With his leathery palms he brings forth a pipe and tobacco from his back pocket. When the pipe is prepared he takes what looks like a small hamster, draws it quickly along his battle jeans to ignite its head and lights the pipe.
For a few second the both of you just sits in silence while he puffs away on his pipe. The air fills with the smell of newly baked navel lint bread... and bacon.
'You where lucky I got to you in time, young padawan'

In the distance you can hear the roars of Chuck Norris's goons as they desperatly search for you. Mr.Connery continues - 'We can not have you square off with Mr.Norris just quite yet young padawan, you must first learn the way of the slapper!'
This Perplexes you... isn't women the target of the slapper of all slappers slaps? Not THE Chuck Norris!
'I know what you wonder, young padawad, and yes... she is actually a drag king... she has not gone by her real name Jaqueline No'reese in a long time'


Sean Connery stumbles forward, holding his chest. He has been hit by a harpoon! they have found you!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Chapter Twenty.

Withering in agony, I struggle to open my eyes as they adjust to the harsh brightness of the cabin. My pupils dart back and forth around the room to locate the source of the voice as well as the cushiony goodness.

'Behind you.' says the voice.

Staggering, I manage to pull myself up and straighten my damp clothes. I turn around and see the back of a grand chair facing a roaring fireplace. A faint trail of cigarette smoke emanating from the other side of the chair. Tired of being kept in the dark throughout my journey (both figuratively and literally), I storm towards the seat and its mysterious occupant. 'Look, I don't take too kindly to being bashed in the grapefruits.' I growl as I grab the back of the chair and swing it around.

My jaw fell open. Chuck Norris!

'Expecting someone else?' he asks as he flicks his cigarette into the fire.

Speechless, I glance down at his hands as he rises out of the chair and approaches me. He's holding a copy of the ancient text I was told to find. I stumble backwards, tripping over a night table and accidentally knock over a lantern which quickly ignites the carpet and begins to quickly spread throughout the cabin. 'Looking for this?' he says as he holds up the book. 'How about this, then?' he holds up a blue orchid.

'Listen to me.' I begin. 'I only came here to see an old woman-' 'You mean her?' he cuts me off and points to a nearby room closet. Blood pooling from under the door crack. 'You see Mr.Kingsbury, you've been going on for quite some time about being "awesome". Quite frankly, I cannot permit you to continue with this nonsense. This book and orchid holds the key to truly understand how to overpower me.' I watch in horror as he tosses both items into the fire.

'Oh, yes, I know all about your little trip here. The zamboni, the Dane, the squirrels, everything. Who do you think conveniently left a truck for you? A zamboni? The potato head. They all work for me. It was I who trained that squad of ninja hamsters to clear out this town 2 years ago in preparation for your arrival. It's amazing what animal Russian ex-cons will do for a simple Etch-a-sketch.' A slick, Texas Ranger grin grows along his face. Trembling, I bolt for the door knowing full well no man can take on a fully charged Chuck Norris.

'You can't escape, Mr.Kingsbury! I own this town! I own this fucking country! Nobody will believe you!' he bellows from beyond the flaming cabin. I run off the dock and dive into the bayou. The cool water brings me back to my senses. I swim for as long as I can. I surface a good 20 minutes later and see several boats beside the flaming cabin. I make out Norris and his renegade rangers pointing in my direction. It's then that I notice that I'm inadvertently leaving a trail of algea as I swim, leading them straight back to me. 'Shit!' I think.

In full panic mode, I go as fast as I can towards the darkened shore a mile away. I grow tired... muscles ache... can't breathe no more... fainting... I begin to slip deeper beneath the waves... I hear the voices of Norris' goons and their boats in the distance. I slip under the water for what seems to be the last time. Then a hand comes crushing through the surface, grabs my weak hand, and pulls me onto a seadoo.

'Stay quiet and do exactly as I say.' orders the stranger. He punches the engine and the craft roars to life. We floor it across the lake to the other side of the bayou, far from Norris. In the blue glow of the illuminated display, I make out a face.

Sean Connery.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Chapter Nineteen.

You feel something crawling up your right leg and you welcome the sensation, just hoping it will be gentle when it reaches higher grounds. To your disappointment the crawling stops and fades away like a distant memory. Your eyes tries to get used to the darkness but somehow they do not manage to do that.
'Don't try to see where you are, my spells have made it impossible to actually see anything in here.'
Unable to see, you decide to use your other senses and swing your hands in front of you and in true anime fashion you grab on to the two big cushiony thingies in front of you.
'Please don't do that' the voice disgruntedly murmurs, as you feel a steel capped boot redecorating your family jewels.
In true pain you fall to the floor, hitting your knees on something spiky and landing forehead first into something that does not feel completely different from moose porridge.
'I understand now that you are no friend of darkness.'
With a loud POOF the inside of the cabin lights up like a dirty old store santa the weeks before christmas...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Chapter Eighteen.

I watch with great intensity as the ninja hamster scribbles away. He then shows me the Etch-a-sketch, which now shows map directions to the old woman's house by the bayou. Apparently this little bugger had taken an oath of silence and has to resort to other means of communication. When I asked him why he murdered his comrade, he quickly draws me a picture of a camel being pounded in the ass with a banana by Goofy on a sailboat.

Anyways... I take the map and proceed down to the bayou. And just as was explained to me, there it was. A small log cabin in the bayou. In the middle of the bayou. So now I need a boat. After searching along the shore line I come across and empty unchained canoe. I jump in an start paddling towards the cabin. As I get closer to the cabin, it becomes clear to me why the canoe was unchained on the shore; there are several tears under the seams causing it to sink. I try not to panic despite going down faster than MJ on a 10 year-old. I paddle faster, but it becomes obvious that I'm going to sink before I reach the cabin.

I swim out into the dark green, murky bayou and the canoe silently slips beneath the surface. I reach the cabin and climb up the posts and onto the dock. Then I realize that I left the goddamn Etch-a-sketch on the canoe. Add to that, the shore is far too long for me to swim back. I'm stranded. Frustrated, I knock on the cabin door. No reply. I knock harder. Still all quiet. I raise my foot to kick it in, only to have the door swing open by itself. I walk into the darkness of the cabin. The door of course closes behind me.

'I've been expecting you.' whispers a voice.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Chapter Seventeen.

Since Russian Hamster Ninjas are sworn to silence and deadliness, they start charading their inquiry. Tip toeing on their little ninja feet, flailing wildly with their katanas and throwing shurikens into the air among other erratic and stupendous movements and poses.

When they are done they all completely halt and look at you. One Russian Ninja Hamster falls to the ground, then another and then a third... until there are only two Russian Ninja Hamsters left standing. It turns out the flailing of katanas and throwing of shurikens was not a very well thought out plan since it ended in almost total Russian Ninja Hamster extinction.

The tubbier of the two hamsters walks up to you and whispers into your ear.
- Hermionemma is waiting for you... you must prepare yourself. And we can help you. Watch out for the old lady by the bayou, bring the texts to us and we will...

The rest of the tubby Russian Hamster Ninja's words is muffled by the blood that he drools into your ear. You notice the meat-cleaver lodged into the neck of the Russian Hamster Ninja, and the Russian Hamster Ninja behind it (which is taller, and have the same pattern as a milk cow) shuts an imaginary zipper over his two kind of slanted front teeth while looking rather menacing.

He then takes out an Etch-a-Sketch and starts drawing something...