Monday, August 31, 2009

Chapter Fourteen and Fifteen.

Chapter Fourteen.
I quickly spin around and see a Dane wearing layers of squirrel-skin pelts holding a bag of skittles and -saying nothing- holds the bag out to me as an offering. I grab a handful of the sugery pellets and down them in a single gulp. The Dane looks quite pleased and lumbers off into the woods and disappears from sight.

I then proceed back to the stalled car and take inventory of it's contents. There is a mickey mouse watch and a DS with no cartridge lying on the dashboard. I take these and get back in my truck. I go around the car and continue along my way. It's not long until I come across an anthropic fox wearing a Superman costume. It kindly asks me to take him into town, which I agree to do.

About 40 minutes later we pass by a city limit sign reading 'Welcome to Rolland Falls! Home of the flying pancakes! Population: 5000'.

Chapter Fifteen.

The streets of Rolland falls is ominously empty, apart from a tumbling tumbleweed and a stray cat licking it's crotch with great intensity. The radio of the truck suddenly turns on by itself. Among the white noise you can hear something talking, that sounds like a pancake in great pain and distress.
"Turn around while you still can... the great *CRACK* *SCRAMBLE* spares noone... turn around if your rear is dear to you"

To be continued...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Chapter Thirteen.

The hood of the car is opened and there is thick yellow smoke rising to the sky, originating from the engine. As you approach the driver seat's side window you notice that the two characters in the car are nothing but jointed mannequins, much like human sized he-man figures. The one in the driver seat even has the blond eighties hair and is wearing a fur thong.

The second mannequin suddenly starts speaking in a strange, ancient language that you after a while realize is nothing but quebecois. With your limited knowledge of this "language" you decipher the meaning of the words but are still none the wiser of the context.

"Turtles and ham, pandas and spam, give me a dollar and I will bathe in yam"
You then marvel over the fact that you managed to make the translation rhyme while the original ramblings did not at all.

The both mannequins heads turns to face you with their red eyes, and somewhere in the distance... you hear a bag of skittles...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Chapter Twelve.

I stand momentarily at the fork in the road, remembering the age-old adage that only the just follow the right hand of God. So of course I take the left road. I watch as the last few man-squirrels and naked Dane disappear over the hills behind me and I continue on my way. After roughly two hours of walking, I come across a pickup truck with the keys in it on the shoulder of the road. I immediately take possesion of the vehicle, as there is nobody for miles. As I drive along, about 20 minutes down the road it starts to get dark and the road goes deeper into the forest.

It is here that I come across a giant panda in glasses on the side of the road selling lemonade. I ask the creature where this road leads. He introduces himself as the Cheshire Panda, and the road I am on leads everywhere. He tells me a cryptic messagge: 'Inside outside, near and far, to go forth is to be a star'. He then pulls out a Glock 9mm and blows his brains out. After a moment of shock, I quickly drink up his lemonade and continue down the road.

I then come across what appears to be a stalled car ahead of me with two occupants still in it...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Chapter Ten and Eleven.

Chapter Ten.

I immediately pick up the bag of skittles and throw it back in the direction it came from. I then climb into the zamboni and try to hold my breath. I floor it at 35km/hr towards the 5 foot squirrel while tossing the naked Dane into the back of the zamboni as we make our escape..

Chapter Eleven.

All the ice in what apparently was an ice hockey rink all along makes the Zamboni difficult to handle (Who could have guessed?) and the squirrel has no problem jumping out of the way while you, the zamboni and the naked dane crash through the nearest wall.
After what feels like a 30 foot drop you find yourself on a highway bridge. Strangely enough there are no other vehicles but a crowd of man sized squirrels are running in the opposite direction in chaotic terror, it is like they are fleeing from something located where you are headed. You finally get off the bridge and come up to a fork in the road.

To be continued...

Friday, August 14, 2009

Chapter Seven, Eight and Nine.

Chapter Seven.

And somewhere, a jumbotron is booting up...

The fight is ferocious and very drawn out, You estimate that it must have cost the FX department at least a few million canadian dollars.
When it is all over and the last little squirrel head hits the ground, the rain starts pouring. It's just you, your dinner, a remote and a Segway...

Chapter Eight.

I throw my dinner on the Segway and floor it towards the jumbotron. Toss her on stage and press the firey red button on the remote, which causes it to morph like a transformer into an acoustic guitar. I then proceed to rock out as hard as I can while the rain floods the moshpit of squirrels away.

Chapter Nine.

Left to observe you rocking out is a newly arrived five foot squirrel in a bathrobe and a naked Dane. They look very affectionate.
Next to you is a zamboni with the motor running. The air smells of navel lint bread.

Suddenly something hits you in the back of your head... somebody have thrown a bag of skittles at you, but you fail to see the thrower anywhere.

To be continued...

Friday, July 31, 2009

Chapter Six.

I toss the shitting squirrel at the crowd of other squirrels and quickly put on the trench coat and top hat. I push the green button on the remote and time slows down. I put it in the coat pocket and engage the crowd of squirrels in a massive brawl a la Matrix Reloaded.

To be continued...

Chapter Five.

Out of pure terror, the small squirrel craps on your head. The other squirrels find this very amusing. They then start to rub their paws and lick their lips. They are getting closer. You have a soiled squirrel, a remote control and the mysterious stranger ends up to be nothing but a top hat and a trench coat on a coat rack.

To be continued...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Chapter Four.

I immediately zip up and remind my dinner not to tell her parents or else, then make a lunge for the remote. I keep it firmly held in my left hand while my right hand grabs one of the smaller squirrels. I then immediately hold the squirrel above my head and point the remote at its head and tell the other buggers that if any of them so much as snickers at me, their lil' buddy will get it.

I then make a run at the mysterious stranger...

Chapter Two and Three.

Chapter Two.

I run to the nearest schoolyard playground and eat like its an ice buffet going outta business and they're givin' away free samples!

Chapter Three.

You eat until you puke and then eat some more.... when you get yourself together after the feeding frenzy you notice that someone is watching you.
You are surrounded by squirrels, hundreds of them, ranging in size from an inch to that of a '97 Ford Crown Victoria.

Next to you lies an unidentifyable remote control.

To be continued...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Prologue and Chapter One.

Before we begin I would like to issue a warning. This story is NOT for everyone. If you feel that you are easily offended by less then moral behavior and phenomenons you have no real business following this story as it unfolds. Any person depicted in this story is there because of admiration, popularity and/or just for the fun of it, and I can safely say that anything happening to any celebrities or other people in this story is totally fictitious and is in no way stated as facts. If someone or something (?) still takes offense, the person/animal/thing is actually a lifeless clone, so please stop bitching about it!

This story has a somewhat strange narrative since it is a collaboration between two anonymous authors and the chapters will therefor shift from second person to first person perspective. Any misspellings are intentional and according to the original script. Each update will contain one chapter, and the frequency of updates might wary greatly.

Now, when we have everything covered (I hope) let us begin.

Chapter One.

You wake up... You have no recollection of who or where you are. The room is small with only a naked bulb hanging from the ceiling for light.
You look around and see:
One matress, you are lying on it
On red door
One yellow door
In front of the door stands a 4 feet tall squirrel, observing you

You wear nothing but a bathrobe.

To be continued...